As the author of SLAP! and the leading advocate for aggro-parenting®, I’ve been asked repeatedly to endorse a presidential candidate. While reluctant to give a formal endorsement, I always direct queries to my book, especially chapter 8, “The Home: Not a Democracy.” Read an excerpt and see if you can figure out who I support for President.
The home is not a democracy. There is no equality in the home, nor should there be. There is one term that always tells me that things are completely out of control: “family meeting”. When I hear that, I know that SLAP! techniques are necessary. The only thing that gets worked out at family meetings is parental authority: it gets worked right out of the house! Giving a voice to all members of the family? Please. Did Stalin ask for input from farmers when he forced them to collectivize, capitulate and starve? No, of course not. You can’t get anything done when everyone voices an opinion. (See Chapter 9, “Papa Joe: The Archetypal Father). It’s okay to shout down ridiculous calls for “equality” or “justice”. “It’s not fair,” they’ll whine. “You’re abusing your power,” they’ll wail. Well, to borrow a phrase from the whiner’s lexicon, “No Duh!”
Children are stupid and you can easily play upon their fears to fortify your authority. Strangers (especially of a different race), bears, liberals, refugees- they can all be easily invoked to terrorize and manipulate small minds, especially when the child has never seen any of these monsters up close in real life. Their ignorance is your boon and you should always use it to get children to work against their own interests. For instance, Lily was just banished from the dinner table after she complained that she was being bullied by some mean girls, thrown up against a locker, grabbed by a boy, and couldn’t mom and dad call the guidance counselor, blah, blah, blah. Now she’s complaining about not eating. The rule is very simple: Complaining is not allowed at dinner! That’s the time to invoke the Syrians. They are coming. They are beaten down and starving. They eat the flesh of 6th graders. Lily has never seen a starving frightened Syrian refugee, so what the hell does she know? As Hitler said, “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” (See Chapter 10, “Uncle Adolph: Looking Past the Holocaust”).
I know you’re thinking, “I knew it! Dr. Führland supports Donald Trump!”
Well, No Duh!
(Disclosure: This author is being vetted by the Trump campaign for the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services.)
On a recent trip to a speaking engagement I observed a family waiting to board a plane. Airports, hotels, and tourist spots are great places to observe the decline in child discipline and the resultant decline of our culture. This family was fairly unremarkable. Two obviously “magical” kids, one 5 year-old boy trying to engage a clearly uninterested stranger in conversation, the other, a toddler, with a t-shirt that read “Genius”. I called my wife about that shirt and we shared a knowing nostalgic chuckle. We both agreed that the little “genius” would prove to be anything but. That put me in mind of this excerpt from Chapter 6 of SLAP!, “Humiliation as Motivation”.
The beauty is, there is room to express yourself here. An example of Creative Humiliation: My wife made t-shirts for our children to wear when the unsavory aspects of their personalities proved resilient and repetitive. Our son often wore a shirt labeled, “Stupid”, reflecting his numerous failings. We look back now at his Kindergarten graduation pictures and laugh at the other children with their little neckties and dresses. And there’s our Paul with his “Stupid” shirt. We had to make that shirt five times as he grew through elementary school. Several of those well-dressed children now work for Paul at Kmart. Not so stupid anymore!
And we’ll never forget our Marian wearing her “Slut” shirt to the eighth grade dance after we caught her looking at shirtless pictures of soccer players on the internet. Unsurprisingly, she only had to wear that shirt once. The result? A mature adult choice as she recently put her baby up for adoption. We all amicably agreed that three children by three dads was one too many. I can’t describe how my heart swelled when her other two children helped blow out the candles on her 20th birthday cake. An unforgettable family moment made possible by SLAP!
There is nothing sadder or more naïve than that “magical” child built up into a “genius” before she can utter complete sentences. It’s all downhill from there.
Note: You don’t even have to painstakingly stitch these humiliation shirts yourself like my incredible wife did. You can design them online and have them sent to you. Aggro-parents love the internet! Let your imagination flow. Aggro-parents have made shirts labeled with “Fat”, “Bitch”, “Loser”, “Short”, “Tard”, “Clumsy” and many more.
Leading up to Christmas I‘ve received hundreds of variations on the following question: “What do I do when my child gives a negative reaction to an unwanted Christmas gift?” A great question for a common and timely situation. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 11 of SLAP, “SLAPPING in Mixed Company”.
By now you’ve mastered a consistent hand brandishing technique that can be used in all situations. Remember, it can be discreet but leaves no doubt that a SLAP is coming if the target behavior does not change immediately. Also, you’ve constructed a SLAP chamber (highly recommended, see Chapter 7) or designated a SLAP area of your home. The routine has been established and the child understands what will occur if the behavior continues.
If the child does not respond to his healthy fear and continues to act out, then action must be taken IMMEDIATELY!. Many new Aggro-Parents make the mistake of delaying the SLAP until it is more convenient, especially when other people are around. But delay will remove the threat of humiliation which, as we’ve seen over and over again, is a critical component of a healthy childhood. Remember: Delay and we Pay.
The child must be removed from the room and, at this point, the level of humiliation is up to her. If the child does not respond to the verbal SLAP prompt, (“come with me” or “see me in the other room”) then a swift physical response is necessary. The child is trying to take control and betting that you won’t do the hair towing or arm yanking techniques (see Chapter 5) in front of other people. WRONG! Remember, being a closet Aggro-Parent does not work! That’s like being a closet breather. Shame and embarrassment are for those wishy-washy parents who will some day watch their adult children slurp cereal milk in front of the same old family television. They will never leave! We are raising strong, successful, and grateful children. Aggro-parents from around the world are with you during moments of hesitation or doubt.