Tag Archives: relationships

Downing Tote, $168.00

Dear Dave is a series in which I address poor reviews of consumer goods in the advice column tradition of Dear Abby or Dear Sugar. Aren’t most online reviews a cry for help, anyway?

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Dear Dave,

I read over the description of this tote several times and didn’t realize there was no inside pocket. I was disappointed because the leather is so soft and the flat bottom makes this tote useful. There is an attached wallet but that is just too inconvenient for cellphones, etc. The strap length is good — can be easily put over shoulder but also comfy to carry with the handles over the arm. The quality is good. Just one pocket inside would make it perfect.

Love the leather

Louisiana, USA

Dear Love the Leather,

Guess what? Totes, (a strange word for boyfriends, but curiously accurate in many cases), do not always come as advertised. I know you love that so-soft leather. (We usually refer to that as skin.) Flat bottoms are nice, too. (You said “useful” but I’ll leave the utility of a flat bottom to the reader’s imagination.) You may be a little too interested in that attached wallet, however. Chasing the money is not always a good idea. Why do you want to keep your cellphone in his wallet anyway? You certainly have no problem with imagination, Love the Leather, and that’s why I chose your letter out of the thousands I receive. Imagination can be good. Or, not so good. Sometimes we need a mini-vacation from our daily lives in which imagination plays a vital role. I fully support those daily flights of fancy that rejuvenate a tired soul. Maybe a walk in the woods or some quiet time just sitting and daydreaming. Maybe even a little reverie in which our loved ones are our handbags. A little consumerish, maybe, but it’s your fantasy! So, your boyfriend is of good quality and easy to haul around but he won’t hold your cellphone, etc.? I suggest next time he’s draped on your arm to go shopping or see some vapid Rom-Com, you consider his imagination. He may be thinking of something supple with a good bottom as well. And, I guarantee you, strap length is not that important to him. My suggestion: direct your imagination to who he is and away from what he can carry. Oh, and men are not beach bags either. Or clutches. Before you go there.

Best,

Dave

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Pumping Heart Model, $39.99

Dear Dave is a series in which I address poor reviews of consumer goods in the advice column tradition of Dear Abby or Dear Sugar.  Aren’t most online reviews a cry for help, anyway?

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Dear Dave,

Please DO NOT Purchase this product for demonstrating pumping of blood in heart. You may use it just to show a 3D diagram of heart and lungs connection_ but the pumping model does not show the difference in oxygenated and de-oxygenated blood nor does it show how the blood is pumped from one chamber to another and then to the lungs and back accurately (not even remotely accurate). The simulated blood (red-colored water) just flows erratically with NO resemblance to how a heart pumps blood. I wonder who designed, tested and recommended this product!

Heartbroken, Edina, Minnesota

Dear Heart Broken,

Was she really that cold? Could she really have been that heartless? Is she nothing more than a 3D diagram? Methinks you are a bit too…empirical?  Relationships are not science experiments.  No one wants to talk about oxygenated and de-oxygenated blood. That’s a conversation killer, like comparing tree species, describing your school project on tapeworms, or championing the benefits of bleach. When we point the finger at someone, we are really pointing three back at ourselves. Annoying adage, yes. But go ahead and try it. Test that hypothesis. See?  Now, isn’t it YOUR blood that feels like red-colored water? Isn’t it YOUR blood that flows erratically? (Normally, I would assume you’re talking metaphorically, except for your letter. If it’s really flowing erratically then go to the hospital. Immediately.) As for who designed and tested that “product”. God did! Duh… Gotcha! Ha! You were ready to start in about evolution and apes and natural selection and Quest for Fire (your favorite movie) and the fertile crescent, weren’t you? Dude, you must lighten up. Here’s your assignment: Set a timer for 15 minutes then sit in a chair and put your hand over your heart. Keep it there and breath in and out slowly. Focus on breathing and the feeling of your heart beating beneath you hand. When thoughts occur, just observe them, and keep still. At the end of 15 minutes say out loud, “I am human. I am alive. And so are the others.”

Or just drink heavily once a week and go act out.  Good luck!

Best,

Dave

 

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Nespresso Gran Maestria Espresso Machine, $699.95

Dear Dave is a series in which I address poor reviews of pricey consumer goods in the advice column tradition of Dear Abby or Dear Sugar.  Aren’t most online reviews a cry for help, anyway?

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Dear Dave,

Wanted to love the machine, but did not last.

I was in love. Everything I wanted in a single-serve machine. I looked forward to my morning cups of delight. Then little things started happening. The heating element on the side would work sometimes, but not every time. Not a big deal. But then it stopped taking the capsules. I would put one in, attempt to start, and it would do nothing. I would have to turn it off, turn back on again, raise the top, (then dig the capsule out) and put it back in. So sad.

Decaffeinated, Portland, OR

Dear Decaffeinated,

Many people spend their entire lives avoiding an inescapable fact about relationships, chasing an illusion into middle age and beyond.  There is a honeymoon period to new relationships!  It’s all hot, rich, and strong at the beginning.  Perfect crema on a wonderful body.  And, the energy!  Then it starts to feel like a dark grind, with an aftertaste.  That perfectly roasted espresso leaves us with the jitters and lying awake at night thinking that something’s wrong with the machine.  We try to buy time, ignoring the intermittent failure of the “heating element”.  It’s no big deal, we tell ourselves.  But, Decaffeinated, did you not bring this upon yourself?  What’s with the capsules?  Do you really think you could medicate your partner into being exactly what you want?  People are not single-serve machines, put on Earth for your exclusive pleasure!  Little things can and will happen, but we don’t start noticing until the honeymoon is over.  Then we must all come to terms with the coffee breath, the jack-hammer leg twitch, the inane caffeinated babble.  You can’t just turn people on and off!  If you can’t adjust to a nice sustaining mug from Mr. or Mrs. Coffee in the morning, then you are doomed to try and replicate that espresso surge for the rest of your life, eventually casting that Gran Maestria onto the growing pile of other disappointing “machines”.  So sad.

Best,

Dave

 

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Rösle Can Opener, $42.00

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Dear Dave is a series in which I address poor reviews of pricey consumer goods in the advice column tradition of Dear Abby or Dear Sugar.  Aren’t most online reviews a cry for help, anyway?

Dear Dave,

Not worth it!

It worked great when I bought the can opener, looks nice. Was easy to use. Lasted 7 mo. Less than a year. I hate it! Knob is tight. pops and clicks when TRYING to turn the tight knob. No justice. Still have it using up space in drawer. I can’t through it away cause I spent to much $ for it. I’m hoping in my dreams it will work one of these days. Haha. Decided to buy a stainless steel Cuisinart electric opener, that cost as much as this hand held opener. Still love to shop at Williams Sonoma. One bad apple is not keeping me away.

Frustrated

Yorba Linda, CA

 

Dear Frustrated,

Are you aware there is a honeymoon period for any new love?  It’s necessary for human procreation.  People look nice and they’re easy to be around, things pop and click without even TRYING.  For awhile.  Then comes the work.  Here’s the blunt truth, Frustrated.  There is no justice in love.  It is a leap into the void, following a heart that knows no logic, only desire.  After that honeymoon, you gave it 7 months and he still won’t open up, despite your straining!  How much longer can you TRY to open that can?  How much longer can he take up precious room in your “drawer”?  He doesn’t want you opening that can and seeing (smelling!) his inner Dinty Moore Beef Stew.  That’s no substitute for real beef stew, and you know it!  I love your spirit but I might consider another “shopping” place.  This Williams Sonoma scene sounds played out.  Your bitter, “Haha”, makes me think you know it, too.  One bad apple can quickly turn into two and then we’re looking at a bushel of bad apples and then you’re in your forties and then, let’s face it, it’s over.  With your fierce spirit and independence from the rules of grammar it would be a shame to open THAT can of worms.

Best,

Dave

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