Last Summer: JJ and the Lottery Part 2

     JJ rinsed the last seeds from the bagel planks.  Sesame, poppy, garlic, onion, salt.  Everything.  The garlic pebbles were stubborn and stuck to aprons and lodged in corners, determined to stay behind.  Carl mopped the floor.  Everywhere you work, JJ thought, always a floor to mop.  The oven was off, the kettle drained and rinsed, the cornmeal sludge at the bottom loosened with a prolonged hose blast and drained away. The bagels were packed for wholesale delivery, the smells (garlic, onion, etc.) separated from the sweets (cinnamon raisin, chocolate chip, etc.).  Ever get a little piece of garlic on your nice blueberry bagel?  A curious mix but not so good in the end.  Garlic is really determined to linger.
     JJ left one cranberry bagel near the invoices for Nico, the tall dread-locked delivery driver.  Or Nikko.  JJ forgets which, but knows he’s basically Nick from Long Island, gone Rasta.  JJ had a parmesan and a cinnamon raisin in a bag for himself and Carl had a chocolate chip and a pumpernickel.  Breakfast for later.  They threw their aprons in the dirty linen and closed the door behind them.  A different world out here.  No fluorescent lights or pumping techno music to keep you moving.  Quiet and expansive.  It was 3:00 AM and there was mist along the ground shrouding the little skateboard park, eerie and jaundiced from a yellow street light.  In the car Carl reached under the seat for a pint of Jim Beam, took a slug and passed it to JJ.  “That’s better,” he said.
     JJ sipped and felt the burn and a settling, a letting go, as he sat back and Carl started the car.  They drove the half mile to JJ’s apartment.  JJ said, “So what’re the lottery numbers?”
     “I don’t just know them.  What do you think I am?  Check the internet.”
     “You’re not coming in?”
     “Nah.  Kristen.  I’ve been trying to get home earlier so I’m not shot later today.”
     “Oh, alright.”
     “Was it a quick pick?”
     JJ was looking at the little duplex he called home.  One story, one bedroom that JJ shared with his books and camping gear.  “No, I picked the numbers.”
     “So…”
     “3,6,9,12,15,49”
     “Really?”  Carl was looking at JJ for signs of kidding.  “Well, explain, I guess.”
     “I was just gonna do 3,6,9,12,15,18 but I thought, what’re the chances of that? So I tried to come up with a random to throw on the end but it’s impossible to actually think of a number without attaching some meaning, right? So, ok, I’ll tack on a number with meaning.”  JJ opened the car door.
     “What does 49 mean?”
     JJ got out of the car and leaned in with hands on the roof above the door.  “I dunno.  Hemingway, the first 49 stories.  Ron Guidry’s number.  The Forty-Niners.  Forty nine red balloons.”
     “I think that’s 99 red balloons, dude.  Or luft ballons or something like that.”
     “Yeah,” said JJ.  “That’s right.  Oh well, see you tonight.  If I don’t win.”  JJ shut the car door and stood still for a moment, listening to Carl’s car recede into the night and trying to remember.  Then he went up the walkway, singing to himself, “You and I and a little toy shop, bought a bag of balloons with the money we got, set them free at the break of dawn, til one by one they were gone…” 

Last Summer: JJ and the Lottery

“Did you hear, the winning ticket was bought right here, in town.”
            “Where’d you hear that,” JJ asked.
            “Facebook.”
            JJ and Carl were in back of the bagel bakery looking across a scrubby lot at kids skateboarding in a little park.  It was dusk and the skateboarders were becoming shadows.  Their boards banged against the railings and concrete steps as the kids did their moves in that not-trying way of theirs.  They wore wool hats in the summer, left on from the winter, six months previous.  Carl smoked a cigarette and JJ sat on an overturned bucket. Inside, the oven was warming and the huge kettle getting close to a boil.  Almost time to bake 194 dozen bagels.
            “I bought a ticket,” JJ said to the sky.  The bright orange of a sunset was just visible over the trees beyond the park.  Like an explosion, right over there, JJ thought.
            “Dude, did you check it?”
            “No,” JJ said.  “When was the drawing?”
            “Dude, seriously?”
            “I never do the lottery.  It was a whim.”
            “Do you even still have the ticket?”
            “It’s on the fridge.”
            “The drawing was two days ago.”
            They heard a buzzer go off as the oven reached 550 degrees and they both sighed.  Carl flicked his cigarette away and they cast one more look at the darkening park with the rolling and clattering skateboards before heading into the steamy cave of a kitchen.  They donned aprons, soon to be soaked with sweat and kettle water infused with the cornmeal from 97 boards of bagels.  The cornmeal is sprinkled on the boards so the bagels don’t stick and it gives the bagels that awesome gritty bottom.  The bagels are dumped into the kettle for boiling along with the cornmeal that will turn the water into yellowish gruel over the next few hours.  The bagels are boiled, or polished as JJ imagines, in the water until they float and are fished out with a huge strainer on a stick.  They are dumped, steaming and floppy onto rows of four-inch wide planks and arranged, bottoms up, in lines of six.  Then they are put into a monster oven with five rotating shelves, each holding six dozen bagels.  Half way through the shelves are stopped and the bagels flipped by grasping the ends of the planks, one at a time, and deftly rotating them so the bagels land bottoms down for finishing.  This takes practice and needs to be done quickly.  Carl can do it all bare-handed but JJ, newer to bagel baking, uses two pairs of latex gloves.  The latex irritates his fingers, leaving a flaky rash behind.  But it’s better than the heat and he can move quicker.
            Carl said, “Dude, I’ll get started if you want to run home and check the ticket.”
            “You’re a good man,” JJ said.  “But let’s do this then we’ll go together.”
            “If you win, you’ll take care of me, right.  I got you this awesome job.
             JJ smiled.  “For a little while.”  He pulled a rack close and grabbed the top board with two dozen raw bagels.  He pivoted, smacked the board on the rim of the kettle to loosen the bagels, and dumped the first 24 into the rolling water.  The smack reminded JJ of the skateboards slapping outside.  “But then I’ll have to cut you loose,” he said.

No Farms, No Food

“And he has all this money he won in the lottery,” Lila said.  She sat on a bench with Zeke near the farmer’s market watching the springtime shoppers with their bags of asparagus and rhubarb.  Lila and Zeke were on a lunch date.  Zeke called it a “midday stroll” in his ironic way.  When Lila had asked if their “midday stroll” was really a date, Zeke said, “Too much pressure if we call it a date.  Besides, aren’t we above all that?”  Zeke’s real name was William.
Zeke asked, “Doesn’t it say in the Bible that money is the root of all evil?”
“It says a lot of things in the Bible.  Let’s not talk about the Bible.”  Lila watched a furtive little woman snatch some dried fruit from a box when the purveyor’s back was turned.  The woman was chewing as she moved on behind the stalls.
“Let’s just say that money can alter your perspective.  For the negative.”
“But he seems to be getting more positive,” Lila said.  “He bought this farm and he’s brought in these foresters from the college to help restore it to native forest.”
“Why are we even talking about this guy, what’s his name.”
“His name’s JJ and I’m sorry.  Let’s walk.”
They walked together from the farmer’s market and sat outside for coffee.  People walked by in work outfits and second-hand hipster duds.  There was a group of college kids in flip flops and shorts, laughing and window shopping.  Spring was finally here.  And then down the sidewalk came JJ carrying a shovel over his shoulder like a musket, the spade end up in the air.  It gleamed in the sun and Lila saw it was brand new.
“That’s the guy,” Lila said.  “That’s JJ.  With the shovel.”
JJ walked right up to their table.  “Can you believe, all that shit in the barn and there wasn’t a single shovel?”
“This is Zeke,” Lila said.  “Be polite now and acknowledge everyone.”
JJ seemed to notice Zeke for the first time.  “Well, hello William,” JJ said.
“Hello Jason.”
Lila asked, “Do you guys know each other?”
“Lila was telling me you’ve become a farmer,” Zeke said.
“Well, you can see I carry my own shovel.”
Lila said, “How do you two know each other?”
 “Oh, we go way back,” Zeke said.  Then to JJ, “Well you know what they say.  ‘No Farms, No Food’.  That’s a lot of responsibility.”
“I like to say, ‘No Farms, No Farmer’s Daughters’.”
“Funny.”  But Zeke was not smiling.  “Always so funny.”
“I know,” JJ said.  “Lila, you be nice to William now.  He’s very sensitive.”
When JJ walked away, Lila said, “What was that all about?”
Zeke paused, staring after JJ.  “We both dated this girl once, her dad was a farmer.  Back when I was known as William.”  They watched the shovel move away, bobbing and weaving above the other walkers, marking JJ’s progress up the crowded sidewalk.  “It didn’t end well.”

A Practical Farmer

“What are you doing with all that money,”  JJ’s father asked.
“I’m buying a farm.”
“You’re becoming a farmer?”
“No.”
“Then why would you buy a farm?”
JJ sighed.  “I’m buying a farm and restoring the fields to native forest.  And I’ll live in the house.”
JJ’s father considered this, looking into the distance as if considering a mountain range, though there was only the dining room wall.  There were pictures of the young JJ with combed bangs and clip-on neck ties.  There were pictures of the family at the beach, his mother covered from head to toe against the sun.  She looked  most sickly out in nature, especially in the sunshine.  Not many smiles, JJ thought.  A grim intensity seemed to be the family vibe.  JJ knew the intensity was from the duty of posing and looking like a family without a dying mother.
“Are you doing drugs again?”
“Not yet.  Maybe starting today though.”
“Always so flippant.”
“Dad, things are good.  No drugs, no issues.”
“And no direction.”
JJ rose from the table.  “This has been nice.”  He hesitated but JJ’s father just looked at his hands clasped on the table cloth.  There was always an embroidered table cloth in this dining room, even now, without mom here.  “Y’know,” JJ said.  “Some would say you need to get moving too.”
They were both very still as the words hung there.  JJ expected a caustic remark, or at least a, “Please leave now”.  But JJ’s father was just quiet, looking at his hands.  His jaw was clenched and JJ noticed that his hands were not just clasped, they were gripping one another, fingertips flexing into the back of the opposite hand.  Then his father sighed and there was a loosening, a kind of deflation.  He looked up at JJ and his eyes were moist.
“Your Uncle Joe has been after me to come to Florida and live there.  There’s a condo.”  He looked away.
“I want to help,” said JJ.  “Whatever it takes.”
“It’s not too much.  Your mother always wanted to go where it’s warm.”
“Whatever it takes,” JJ said.  He welled up but would not let the tears come.  Instead, he sat down at the table with his father to talk about the logistics of moving on.

The War Inside

“So I never told anyone this before,” JJ said to Dr. Shay.  “I feel really…really…”
“It’s ok.” Dr. Shay said.
“Really…”  JJ rolled his shoulders, tilted his head from side to side, fidgeted.  “I don’t know.  Stupid.  Definitely uncomfortable.”
“It’s ok.  I’m not here to judge you.”
That’s bullshit, JJ thought.  “I spend a lot of time in this world in my head,” he said while looking out the window.  There was a parking lot, a strip of vegetation scraggly and unkempt, then the Connecticut River, swollen with snow melt.  All that water looking for a way out, JJ thought.
“Well, we have talked about the relentless fantasy and how men in particular…”
“No, not that kind of world.”  JJ said and looked back at Dr. Shay.  “It’s an imaginary world where there is a long war going on.  It takes place on another planet, someplace threatened by take over from, from…others.  But people are holding out, they don’t want to leave though some of them switched sides, or sold out to the enemy for an easier life.  They are hunted down and killed.  I’m one of the good guys.  One of the ones who stays behind.  We wage guerilla war against the invaders and hunt down the deserters.  We live in the mountains, in caves…”  JJ stopped. 
“Go on.”
“I’ve said too much.  They’ll kill me for this.”  He looked at Dr. Shay and smiled.  “Just kidding.  Listen, I know it’s not real or anything.  I used to just imagine it to help fall asleep.  But now I think about it all the time.”
“Why don’t you write it down?”
JJ looked out the window at the river.  Tree limbs rushed by much faster than the water looked to be moving.  They are swept along,  JJ thought.  Will they make it all the way to the ocean?  They’ll probably just get stuck on some dam.  “It’s like I’m the one to make things right.  To bring justice.  In the story.  The elders told me I’m the one to see it through.”
“Can you see it through?”
“Probably not.” 
Dr. Shay looked at JJ and waited for more, but there was no more.  “Is there a reason why you are the one to see it through?”
“Not that I know.”
“Well, maybe that’s where to investigate.  Why are you the special one?  Was it destiny?  Is it just because it makes a better story?  Or is it because you have something hidden, something burning hot down deep inside.”
“Wait,” said JJ.  “Are we talking about real life?”
“It’s all real life, JJ,” said Dr. Shay.  “And I bet if you’re honest with yourself, there’s a hot coal smoldering deep inside.  Beneath the story.  Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”
They were quiet and JJ tried to go deeper.  He looked away from the broad generous face of Dr. Shay and then found a spot, a thermostat on the wall, just past Dr. Shay’s head of wild white hair.  “There’s a lot of murk down there,” JJ said.  “Maybe a damp and smoky campfire.  But no hot coal.”
“It’s a start,” said Dr. Shay. “Now tell me about your family growing up.”