Tag Archives: Election

“It’s All Political Now”

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JJ and Carl, reconciled, waiting to bake the bagels.

They stood behind the bagel shop, Carl smoking and talking, JJ looking across at the empty skate park bathed in yellowish street light. The trees were mostly bare of leaves now and the scene looked bereft and jaundiced, some long suspected inner disease finally showing itself on the surface.

“It’s all political now,” Carl said. “Everything. You can’t even stand in line at CVS without thinking, ‘Did he vote for him?’ ‘Did she?’ It’s like trying to spot vampires in daylight. And you know they’re ashamed.”

“They’re not monsters.”

“But the results will be monstrous.”

“They’re just people. People are angry.”

“Yeah. They want simple answers for a complex world. They want what they think was promised them without realizing they grew up in a relatively peaceful time in our nation’s history of blood and mayhem. Post WWII. Then post Cold War. But the rest of the world doesn’t care. The rich don’t care about the American Dream for everybody else. They’ll allow the average Joe just enough to have an Xbox or flat screen or some shitty pickup truck. But they’ll keep the rest and convince those ignorant suckers that they care about making America great. News flash: America’s never been great for a lot of people.”

“You’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this,” JJ said with a smile. “I suspect the last baker didn’t do a lot of listening.”

“Yeah well, he was limited. He could talk about online gaming and that’s about it. I don’t even know what that is. I may be a baker but I read Marx, I read Thoreau, I read Rousseau. This shit going on today? It thrives on ignorance.”

JJ looked at the empty skate park and thought back to summer nights when there were kids skating out there until after dark with their languid movements and sudden bursts of energy required for their tricks. They wore wool hats, even in the heat. It all seemd pretty simple. Enjoy yourself, do your work, think about places to go and how to get there.

“How’s Anne?”

“It’s good at home,” Carl said. “But, y’know what? I think she voted for him. She says she didn’t, but I think…I think she shows the signs. She wants people to pay.”

“Hmm.”

“You’re not surprised?”

JJ thought of Tess and Cody and the keystone cops desperation of their scheme to get their ranch back. “Nothing surprises me.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s a blessing and a curse.”

They heard the oven buzzer go off through the closed back door. Preheating was done, baking temperature had been reached, 550 degrees.

“It’s time,” Carl said.

“194 dozen?”

“No dude, we’re booming. 222 dozen these days.”

“This is going to hurt,” JJ said.

“It’ll come back to you. Muscle memory. Your body remembers the old patterns.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

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SLAP! Presidential Endorsement, Finally

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As the author of SLAP! and the leading advocate for aggro-parenting®, I’ve been asked repeatedly to endorse a presidential candidate. While reluctant to give a formal endorsement, I always direct queries to my book, especially chapter 8, “The Home: Not a Democracy.” Read an excerpt and see if you can figure out who I support for President.

The home is not a democracy. There is no equality in the home, nor should there be. There is one term that always tells me that things are completely out of control: “family meeting”. When I hear that, I know that SLAP! techniques are necessary. The only thing that gets worked out at family meetings is parental authority: it gets worked right out of the house! Giving a voice to all members of the family? Please. Did Stalin ask for input from farmers when he forced them to collectivize, capitulate and starve? No, of course not. You can’t get anything done when everyone voices an opinion. (See Chapter 9, “Papa Joe: The Archetypal Father). It’s okay to shout down ridiculous calls for “equality” or “justice”. “It’s not fair,” they’ll whine. “You’re abusing your power,” they’ll wail. Well, to borrow a phrase from the whiner’s lexicon, “No Duh!”

Children are stupid and you can easily play upon their fears to fortify your authority. Strangers (especially of a different race), bears, liberals, refugees- they can all be easily invoked to terrorize and manipulate small minds, especially when the child has never seen any of these monsters up close in real life. Their ignorance is your boon and you should always use it to get children to work against their own interests. For instance, Lily was just banished from the dinner table after she complained that she was being bullied by some mean girls, thrown up against a locker, grabbed by a boy, and couldn’t mom and dad call the guidance counselor, blah, blah, blah. Now she’s complaining about not eating. The rule is very simple: Complaining is not allowed at dinner! That’s the time to invoke the Syrians. They are coming. They are beaten down and starving. They eat the flesh of 6th graders. Lily has never seen a starving frightened Syrian refugee, so what the hell does she know? As Hitler said, “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” (See Chapter 10, “Uncle Adolph: Looking Past the Holocaust”).

I know you’re thinking, “I knew it! Dr. Führland supports Donald Trump!”

Well, No Duh!

(Disclosure: This author is being vetted by the Trump campaign for the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services.)

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